try, try, try again.

i've struggled a lot lately with trying to stay sane in a tsunami of depression and self-doubt. there are a lot of things i tell myself, false words meant to bring me down, that i'm trying to push aside. i'm trying. harder and harder it all gets. and harder and harder it is to breathe. i cry too much about random, pointless things that don't matter anymore. i whine and complain about my life and i try to blame others for this. i'm waist deep in all the shit i've made. life isn't good anymore. there seems to be nothing to look forward to when i wake up. of course, there are moments of happiness. but overall, i just hate it all. i hate myself. i hate the choices i make. i hate my friends for not living up to my standards. i hate that i even set standards for people. sometimes i even think that i hate God for bringing all this to me. this is what i hate the most. my lack of faith. but i'm trying, Father, i truly truly am.

i think a lot of the pain and anger in my life starts way back when i was about six or seven years old... something happened to me then. and happened up until i was about ten or eleven. something i've hidden until recently. i'm praying more now. i'm trying.

i want to reconnect with that Spiritual part of me that keeps me grounded. i want to feel love and grace and hope and peace and happiness and joy and worship and praise and wonder and awe and bliss and blessing and life. i want to live again. i want to walk past people and be able to smile at them without it feeling forced. i want to have more good memories than bad ones. i want to be thankful for all i have, even the negativity. i want to take my own advice and live. i need to breathe without pain. i need to collect my thoughts and think it all through. i need God to consume me. i need Love from Him more than anything. i just need Love...

my heart hasn't been doing too well lately and i know that it's my own doing. (i'm not blaming myself for the events that led up to this. i'm not going to blame anyone or anything. except Karma. i think this was all meant to be.) i create my life. "The Law of Attraction is at work all the time, even when you're not focusing on it. Like gravity!" this is true. if i monitor my thoughts i'll be able to get my heart back to normal. with faith like a child, i can pull through. and i know this is true.

what am i even saying? this is sooooo many emotions and tangents all in one. i'm stopping now.

peace, love, happiness

His love is like a river
always strong, constantly powerful
but you know it will always
nourish you and quench your thirst

His love is like a blanket
when you're cold, put Him on your heart
let His Grace overcome you
soon you will grow warm

His love is like the veins
and the blood
flowing throughout every  single body
keeping you alive, pumping to your heart even in the pain and suffering

His love is like a mountain
high above all the land.
earth will shake and fall apart
but He will forever stand tall

His love is like "inhale, exhale"
without it, we could not live
i will always trust that
my breath, my Lord, will keep me alive

nothing goes deeper then God's love.

follow the Leader of leaders

when you are lost
don't run and hide
just look for Him
deep down inside
grab hold of His hand tight
follow Him to the place
where everything goes right
and believe all He speaks
for He is Christ, the most wonderful gift
that God has given to allllll mankind
thank Him for forgiveness and Love
and enter in the line that trails behind.

in the end

is there a reason for it all?
why is everything falling apart?
why must He let things destruct?
when will i get a new start?

even though it doesn't always work
and a lot of wrong has pulled me in,
even IF i'm dirty and left out,
i hear Your song.

a melody soft and sweet
so pure and wholesome, too
the harmony loud and clear
praising all that is You

this tune clears my thoughts away
give me clarity
the puzzle of life is coming together
the pieces fit so perfectly

my world is turned upright again
FINALLY, it's going rihgt
i am so thankful for
You bringing to me Your Heavenly Light.

make it all better

everything seems to fall apart
at the same time
it's all broken and i don't have the tools to fix it
my life collapses before my eyes
i feel... destroyed
watching it all cave in is sickening
but i can't seem to stand and help cushion the fall
(if i even can)
there seems to be no answer whatsoever
no light at the end of the tunnel to clear it all away
then i hear Your voice
i feel Your breath breathe hope into me
and You touch my bruised and battered heart
when i know that You are there
my soul sings Your name,
"Glory, amen and amen."
You make it all better
there's something about
the way You love me
that lights the flame again
and i know it will all be okay
Jesus, i love You.

fear of what's in store

a door is a door is a door
but this wooden rectangle leads to things unseen
the possibility of destruction
heart races quickly
metal cold on fingertips
slowly, like time, the knob turns
bolts scream like dying moths to a flame
pain and anxiety are unbearable
door opens
worlds meet
smiles appear
love joined by wooden rectangle
nervous no more
beyond the door

forever cares

sun sets, rises, sets again.
everything is falling apart.
then the clouds roll away.
taking off the blanket of sorrow.
unveiling a world of beauty
one He created for you and me.
so praise His glorious name.
breathe with joy and worship,
because He forever cares.