i've struggled a lot lately with trying to stay sane in a tsunami of depression and self-doubt. there are a lot of things i tell myself, false words meant to bring me down, that i'm trying to push aside. i'm trying. harder and harder it all gets. and harder and harder it is to breathe. i cry too much about random, pointless things that don't matter anymore. i whine and complain about my life and i try to blame others for this. i'm waist deep in all the shit i've made. life isn't good anymore. there seems to be nothing to look forward to when i wake up. of course, there are moments of happiness. but overall, i just hate it all. i hate myself. i hate the choices i make. i hate my friends for not living up to my standards. i hate that i even set standards for people. sometimes i even think that i hate God for bringing all this to me. this is what i hate the most. my lack of faith. but i'm trying, Father, i truly truly am.
i think a lot of the pain and anger in my life starts way back when i was about six or seven years old... something happened to me then. and happened up until i was about ten or eleven. something i've hidden until recently. i'm praying more now. i'm trying.
i want to reconnect with that Spiritual part of me that keeps me grounded. i want to feel love and grace and hope and peace and happiness and joy and worship and praise and wonder and awe and bliss and blessing and life. i want to live again. i want to walk past people and be able to smile at them without it feeling forced. i want to have more good memories than bad ones. i want to be thankful for all i have, even the negativity. i want to take my own advice and live. i need to breathe without pain. i need to collect my thoughts and think it all through. i need God to consume me. i need Love from Him more than anything. i just need Love...
my heart hasn't been doing too well lately and i know that it's my own doing. (i'm not blaming myself for the events that led up to this. i'm not going to blame anyone or anything. except Karma. i think this was all meant to be.) i create my life. "The Law of Attraction is at work all the time, even when you're not focusing on it. Like gravity!" this is true. if i monitor my thoughts i'll be able to get my heart back to normal. with faith like a child, i can pull through. and i know this is true.
what am i even saying? this is sooooo many emotions and tangents all in one. i'm stopping now.
